Q & A with Kailyn Pham: singer. songwriter. survivor.

Describe your mental health journey.

Halfway through seventh grade, I started feeling extremely unmotivated, unwanted and hopeless and it really picked up in my eighth grade year. But growing up, I was never comfortable talking about my emotions and I honestly was not extremely educated on mental health. I never told my parents, and because I didn’t know how to handle how I was feeling, I was so open with talking about my mental health with everyone around me to the point where I think my friends were desensitized to what I was experiencing.

My freshman year: I was going through a breakup, had broken my phone that day and I had just gotten a text from a “friend” telling me that I was causing problems for everyone around me. Looking back now, these issues seem so trivial and temporary, but in the moment it was the breaking point of years of suppressed feelings. 

I tried to overdose because I felt so powerless. Luckily, I was okay, but I went undiagnosed for another two years because I was so afraid of opening up that I lied to the therapists who had questioned me at the hospital.

For the next year, my depression continued to get worse. I started to have episodes of hyperventilation and lightheadedness at school, in big crowds, in quiet places, etc., but I honestly thought this was normal and I just accepted I had no control over my life.

I got into a toxic relationship my sophomore year and became so dependent on my abuser as a source of happiness because I felt like I wasn’t able to be happy on my own. He broke up with me because my mental health was “too much” for him and I started to work on myself. 

Two months later, when he convinced me to give him another chance, he raped me.

Just as I was beginning to get better, I felt like everything was just pulled out from under me. Over the next year, when I was dealing with rumors about what had happened, with people trying to take down my reputation and people messaging me, talking about me and posting about me, I developed really unhealthy coping habits. 

I was hurting myself. I wasn’t eating, I was sleeping too little or too much, I wasn’t talking to my family or most of my friends. There was a period of time, about a month, where I had suicidal thoughts everyday. I felt so hopeless and powerless. I felt like my body was taken from me, my friends, etc. I tried to take my life again.

When I finally reported the incident to the police five months later, I was officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety. Although I was still struggling a lot, the fact that I at least had an explanation for my feelings was so relieving. 

I had spent almost four years handling so many of my issues on my own, but I then realized there was no way I was going to do that on my own. I participated in Irvine Talks where I met people who were open and transparent about their mental health. At that time, I needed people who could tell me they understood what I was going through, that we were in it together and that’s exactly what I found.

Describe your experiences with mental health stigma.

There were so many times when I opened up to my mom about my struggles or my counselors reached out to my parents and I was told things like, “You have it so good, you should be grateful for what you have,” “What is so bad about your life? Do I not do enough for you?” or “Stop doing things for attention. Stop victimizing yourself.”

I was called an “attention whore” at school for about two years, which really discouraged me from openly talking about the fact I was genuinely struggling. I think that’s one reason why I wasn’t diagnosed for so long: nobody knew that I was seriously struggling with depression because I thought that I could only talk about in a “joking” way because that’s what I was conditioned to do.

The stigma surrounding rape was especially harmful to me and my health. I was taught that it wasn’t something to talk about, that the victims rarely win, that it was my fault I was assaulted. That made it so hard for me to speak up and speak out because I automatically assumed I was going to be the one who lost everything.

What helped you overcome your mental health struggles?

A really big thing that got me out of the dark place I was in was music. I had so many emotions that I could not put into words, but when I started to write songs, I was not only able to connect with my own feelings, but also with people who felt known because of and related to my music.

Of course, I had therapy too and was having more open discussions with my family, but music really was the biggest thing for me. I found my second family through music programs at my school and the people there really showed me how to love myself again and how to trust others again.

Do you feel you have grown from your experiences?

I hope no one has to experience what I did, but I think, without going through everything I have, I would not be the person I am today. I found my voice because of my trauma and I found community. I grew into someone more mature and empathetic because I now understand what it’s like for people to judge you without knowing your story. I also think experiencing everything with my friends made me appreciate and love the ones who stuck by me so much more.

What would you tell people facing the same things you did?

You are not alone. 

Even though it may feel like that, you aren’t. I’m so sorry that you ever had to feel those emotions or experience those traumas and that never should have happened, but you will overcome it. And you will grow into an even more beautiful person because your experiences and/or your emotions don’t define you. 

How are you doing now?

I think I’m definitely better, but I have hard days and weeks where I can still get stuck in the cycle of negativity and hopelessness. But I’ve seen my life get better before so I trust that it’ll get better again. Overall, I think I’m a happier and more confident person than I’ve been in the past, but that doesn’t mean life is perfect. It just means that when I am met with hard times, I have no doubt that I’ll overcome them!